I’m Better Than You

Let’s be honest. 

I liked you for a split second. I was under the influence and sometimes I wonder if I was drunk our entire relationship. I always knew I was the cuter one of us two and you’re welcome for making people think you could get a girl this hot, but time’s up. 

The combination of camo pants, man boobs, and your Club Dodgeball membership is repulsive. Unique and certainly not a list of characterstics we see everyday, but probably for good reason. 

So let’s be honest: thinking of you makes me vom in my mouth a little.

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Seriously – you in the minivan – stop the hijinks!

Let’s be honest…
Minivans will never be cool. Please quit putting all those decorations on them and please stop driving them like they are race cars. I’m talking to you, mom with all eight seats in that van completely full and your stick people family stickers all over the back. Stop tailgating me, stop speeding up when I go to pass you, and for all of our sakes, get the hell off of your damn cell phone. Yesterday I saw a mom on her iPad driving. Are you serious!?! Not ok! Deal with your life, your uncool van, and be safe with your kids in the car. It’s just common sense. Thanks from the rest of the driving public.

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Hmmm, Boogers and Alecheetos. Either clever naming or clever marketing. You be the judge.

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Tights are NOT pants…

Let’s be honest…
Tights are not pants. Ladies, the camel has called and he wants his toe back. Stop wearing them as pants and then putting on a short tee. It’s not cute. In fact, it’s kind of vulgar. Tights are meant to be worn under dresses or skirts. That is all.P.S. when you can see skin through the tights and the Lycra looks like you are testing it’s elastic limits, you need a bigger size. You will look cuter and hopefully no one will take a picture of you that will end up in the humor section of Pinterest.

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Sorry, Jessica Biel, You’re not hot.

Let’s be honest…
Jessica Biel is not that cute. She just isn’t. Certainly not beautiful enough for his hotness Justin Timberlake. Stop trying to sell us on her merits. Please stop giving her covers of magazines when she hasn’t had a decent project since 7th Heaven. Justin, from all of us out there, you can do better. You brought sexy back. Go get yourself a hottie.

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HAIRCUTS

Let’s be honest… This haircut sucks no matter which way you cut it. Even if you donated the hair, sane white girls don’t do this Miley- there had to be a better way to evenly cut and shape that ‘do up so that you looked cute and people didn’t think you were headed for a nervous breakdown, a la Britney Spears. More importantly, you have a gorgeous guy; you owe it to him to be pretty. I’m sure he is lying to you right now and telling you it’s ok, but he really thinks it looks like crap too and is now trying to think of ways to with get out of or postpone that wedding. Thanks for keeping girls everywhere out of the salon for cuts for a good six months.

By the way ladies, should the mood ever strike you to do this, call a friend. If they are good ones, they will take the scissors away.

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Crop Tops

Let’s be honest…

That crop top you’re strutting around in doesn’t look so hot.

Especially with the hoochie mama shorts that are three sizes too small.

 

 

I mean, Jenna Marbles knows what we’re saying:

Crop top + muffin top = PLEASE STOP

Stop with the crop.

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